an eighty eighth story...'birthday'

Frederick was an earthling boy.  Frederica was an earthling girl.  They had just met for the first time in two earthling years at the birthday party of an earthling friend.  Frederick and Frederica had once been more than friends.  It was a strange experience for both of them, and one they had known might be coming for two earthling months since they had seen each other’s name on the guest list.

Frederick was a good deal more relaxed than Frederica, or so it appeared, and yet they got to talking, Frederick asking most of the questions.  They talked about earthling weather, earthling employment, earthling politics, anything under the earthling sun aside from other earthling boys and earthling girls.

Earthling drink can be very intoxicating – the special ingredient being, of course, alcohol.  Since neither Frederick or Frederica knew very many earthlings at the birthday party, they stayed drinking together and chatting about all the aforementioned kerfuffle until they both began to feel a little tipsy.

In the intervening two years between Frederick and Frederica being reunited at the birthday party, Frederick had thought of little else but Frederica, not least in his more idle moments.  Frederica, on the other hand was able to indulge in one fantasy after another with her earthling girl friends every weekend, whereas Frederick was left with his earthling boy friends all of whom had footballs for heads.

Still, Frederick had surprised himself, even surpassed himself about how relaxed he was feeling in front of his Cleopatra (Frederica), and as they continued to chat and drink alcohol, he leaned further in, and touched his Cleopatra more often – touch being a sign of earthling affection.

Eventually, Frederick was compelled to ask Cleopatra what he had wanting to ask for two earthling years.  He asked Cleopatra if she still loved him.  On planet earth asking a question about love is often considered absurd (this is, in part, why hardly anybody lives there anymore – earthlings can be pretty vile, selfish creatures, not to mention insufferably loud and messy).

Cleopatra said ‘no’, and in an instant became Frederica once again.

Frederick wobbled ever so slightly at her reply: a canon ball had just gone off in his chest.  ‘Oh’, said Frederick and looked at the floor.  Frederica for her part couldn’t look at him anymore – what an absurd creature he had become, a desperate and hairless, over-stretched chimp.  This is what she actually thought.

‘Frederick’, she said, ‘you had no right to ask that question, and now I have to go’.  At this, Frederick, who had stood motionless for fifteen earthling seconds like a short-circuited robot, switched back on again.  Automatically he seized Frederica by the wrist.  ‘Wait just one moment’, he said, ‘I have to go to the rest rooms’ (rest rooms are where earthling boys relieve themselves, and earthling girls speculate on the size and performance of the organs with which boys relieve themselves).  Frederica didn’t respond, looked straight through Frederick, but she stayed where she was.

A few earthling minutes later Frederick re-emerged from the rest rooms.  He looked in something approaching agony as he shuffled across the bar back to where Frederica was standing.  Close up Frederica could see anguish all over his features.  ‘Here’ said Frederick, ‘I have a parting gift for you’, and he handed her something wrapped over and over in a bundle of tissue.  ‘Wha..what is it?’, asked Frederica, confused.  ‘Something I don’t need anymore’, said Frederick, wincing as he spoke.  Frederica took a step back, and felt a chill all through her body.  ‘Frede-rick,’ she choked, ‘why have you got your hand down your trousers?’.  In the background someone announced it was time to sing ‘happy birthday’. 

‘To stop the bleeding’, said Frederick turning from grey to green, madly eye-balling Frederica, ‘I…don’t’…need it…any more!’.  And then he fainted.