Dear recalcitrant Rosalind:
My fresh bagel, my buttered crumpet, my mute trumpet – why no noise?
Apologies my recent missive ended rather abruptly: the postman
came with a court summons. I am
beginning to think reason and freedom are wasted on me! Perhaps it would better serve the human race
if I were behind bars!! (It wouldn’t – although I could then write a memoir to
rival Mein Kampf, even if world
domination is not on my list of ambitions – I am a lover/painter/writer, not a
soldier/rapist/hoodie).
Anyhow, joking aside, my life is really not much of a
laughing matter just now (unless you have a particularly mean and, or black
sense of humour). I went to see my
lawyer the other day (haven’t been since I was bizarrely accused of obstructing
an emergency ambulance – how do certain charges get brought I ask!), and he
says that I’d better offer Mr. UKIP 3750 as opposed to the original 3000. What is Mr. UKIP going to do with the extra
750? Build a floating duck house exclusively for wildfowl hatched in the British Isles ?!
Apropos, I had put 750 aside to continue the refurbishment
of my kitchen (see previous letters – water damage etcetera).
And I should add I was found not guilty of obstructing the
ambulance (charges dropped).
Still, it’s quite lonely up here in Primrose Hill without
you, not to mention Fritz and Bruno barking their brains out every time the
kettle boils. Found an old computer (a ‘Laptop’
no less) in a hardware store the other day, and thanks to help from someone at
Collins have got it running. And I have
internet too! Can now track reviews of
my book on the Amazon (I am told no sales happen on the Twitter). There’s only one review so far and its quite
good (I think): recommends me for the Bulwer-Lytton award (do you know
it?). Wish the reviewer had put a star-rating,
however, I am told these are ‘important’.
Otherwise, I was exploring my ancestry this last fortnight
(as I mentioned) and have uncovered some interesting, albeit disquieting,
family history. My grandfather it turns
out was a conscientious objector which I view as shameful (King Queen
and country etcetera), and it’s no wonder my parents never spoke of him; secondly,
my great grandfather spent time in Holloway prison (I am yet to find out what
for, although there is reference to Molly-coddling!?).
What about your family history? A tale of drunkenness and
mindless, bloody violence no doubt!
Are you for Scottish independence, or against?
Yours ever and always,
… not in favour of Scottish independence.
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