Dear darkest Rosalind:
My, oh my! That was a hell of a letter you sent me – I don’t need ask how you feel.
I think that (threatening) to get a restraining order you
may find difficult since I have not been in your presence for months (book
launch aside), nor will any court find anything tantamount to harassment in my
comms with you (save that poem, I suppose, but when was the last time poetry
was used as evidence within legal circles?!).
You didn’t mention whether your poor hand had healed up,
but I am presuming it has since you have managed to write me (by your
standards) quite a long letter – all two paragraphs. Or did that new man of yours do it? (If he is
able to read and write that is!). Why
Rosalind? Why? If I discover he is a Gym
teacher or something like that (A Personal Trainer?) then I will be truly,
truly disappointed. Is taste a commodity
worth zilch (zero) these days? Or have your standards plummeted? The last Gym teacher I knew had his brains (very small
ones) firmly between his legs. My brain,
as you know, is by contrast all together where it should be, it works very
well, and between my legs, let me tell you, are explosive kegs (and a V2
rocket).
It doesn’t pay to knock a man when he’s down (or a woman – I
am not as you suggest a sexist, or a
misogyothingy), especially a man who has flattered you TO THE ENDS OF THE
EARTH. I could also complain about your complete ingratitude, but to someone as patently
narcissistic as you I am not sure I should bother (but just in case, it is
worth remember this: twenty-six love letters, a free signed copy of my first
book, one dead dog, and on and on).
What if I never ever (ever) wrote to you (ever) again?! I can read between the lines, Rosalind, that
you care for me; there is a fine boundary between love and hate in any loving
relationship, a switch that can be tripped at the smallest affront – I
apologise if I have tripped yours. And
you know if you really didn’t ‘care a
hang’ as you so magnanimously claim, my letters would be met with indifference,
nothing more, nothing less. Your
reaction to my last letter IS NOT an indifferent one.
You hate me, you love, but all you need is me.
Trust me!
Yours assuredly,
… calm and collectable.
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