Dear REVENGEFUL Rosalind:
My temptress, my torturess, my one-time fortress - you have let me down like a spear in the side of a bouncy castle.
All this while you have been scheming against me!? Who do you think you are? Lady Macbeth!! You have blood on your hands, Rosalind, the blood that would have been the very source and course of our love. You have wielded the knife and are about to discover what is inside of me (and it isn't love for you, for that has - probably - now once and for all been spilled altogether).
Your lawyer seems to be a fairly poisonous little rat! Doctor! Give me Strychnine! (that's a highly toxic vegetable alkaloid commonly used to kill vermin incidentally - yes, I still have the Shorter Oxford with me; Interweb not working).
Perhaps it says something of our respective natures that I subpoena you in the name of love, and you arrange for a writ to be issued charging me with harassment!? You are afraid (it's a mean old world, I grant you), but fear has become you. What do you suspect I was/am going to do? Hide in wait for you in the bushes in front of your maisonette (it isn't a house by the way, as you have claimed - I checked on the 'Google Earth'), jump on you, pull your panties down and force sex upon you? (Not even in my wildest dreams have I conceived of such a thing!).
Anyhow, since I am very much a man of my word when I say (write) that I will see you in court, I will. And in my best suit (the panama). And bringing my own defence. And (!) be warned: Not only am I a student of letters, I am also a graduate from the Oxbridge equivalent of the university of life - with honours. Your wet-behind-the-ears, snotty-nosed law boy can throw the whole bible of legalistic jargon at me if he wishes - it will make no difference! But should you want to bring your Gym teacher friend to court as well, you should remember to inform the JP first since he will need to make special preparations for your primordial entourage. (A couple of flints to rub together? A banana or two to keep him occupied?).
Meanwhile, your attempt to get a restraining order placed on me suggests you have read and kept my letters. They are the evidence - but evidence of what? This is a question you should ask yourself before you (unsuccessfully try to) go through with this whole business.
... And who was it said absence makes the heart grow fonder?! (HA!).
Rosalind, if you were here now, I would give you a kiss to rival Judas Iscariot; a kiss that I hope would feel like a jolly solid kick in the teeth.
Yours militantly,
Norman.
... on the war path.
No comments:
Post a Comment