ZAP!
ZZZAP!!
ZORRRRRRRRG!!!
ZZZARPP!
~
The Aliens had landed
And with scant regard for Box Office Ratings – it wasn’t even July 4th!
~
..Anyhow
On the morning the Aliens arrived, earthlings were going about their daily business as usual. They had no idea, beyond what they had seen in sci-fi movies (then considered fictional representations of extra-terrestrial encounters portrayed on the ‘silver screen’, or cinema), what was about to happen.
..When the Alien invasion got underway, the indignation the earthlings displayed might have been considered ironic in view of their own historical predilection for invading one another’s earthling territories, thereby continually redefining the earth map.
Mercifully though, once the Alien invasion was over, the chaos wrought by the Alien invaders had a far less damaging effect on earthlings going about their daily business than usually happened when earthlings invaded one another, as well as a far less damaging or, indeed, divisive effect on the earth map.
The numbers dead and wounded on each side looked like this:
Alien invaders: 5,345,327
Earthlings: 4.5
The number of hostages taken by each side, as follows:
Alien invaders: 0
Earthlings: 4,654,673
You see, the Alien invasion was a strategic disaster.
Other than their obvious physical disadvantages (they were only three inches tall, luminous pink, and armed with weapons with the same capacity for causing death as the average Nothern European Mosquito), the Aliens were committed to doing everything in groups of ten, and in these groups of ten, everyone of them had to hold equal rank, and had perform an equal function.
It was how the equivalent of their DNA worked; it was in the very nature of the Alien invaders to do everything fairly and justly (and obsessive compulsively).
But of course, because of their very nature, they were easily over-powered and drastically outnumbered everywhere they landed – and they landed in armies of ten in a million different locations, scattered in precision manner across the entirety of planet earth.
~
So, why bother invading planet earth in the first place?
Well here’s why.
The reasons behind the Alien invasion of planet earth were these: the Aliens believed the earthlings on planet earth were behaving in anything but a fair and just manner –again, this went against the equivalent of their DNA – and that earthlings needed to be taught a lesson. Moreover, the little, luminous pink Aliens shared the same galaxy, living as they did on the planet Korgg, floating on an asteroid belt in the Milky Way, and felt earthlings, who they had seen over thousands of years wreck their earth planet beyond repair and recognition, might soon do the same to Kluj (Mars), Zarkk (Jupiter), Klob (Saturn) and so forth, before dumping their weapons and piles and piles of waste on Korgg.
Still.
In the aftermath of the Alien invasion, earthling commentators condemned Alien conduct for what they termed a pre-emptive strike..(ahem!)
..And while earthling commentators and the earthling public at large continued to vent their indignation, earthling governments had to decide what in Jehovah’s name they were going to do with all 4,654,673 Alien prisoners of war.
~
Since many of the Alien spacecraft were intact, there were some earthling politicians who felt the little, luminous pink Aliens should all be sent back to where they came from. However, others argued in equally typical earthling fashion, the Aliens should be put to use on planet earth (i.e. that they become slaves).
The earthling proletariat, famous for their desire to humiliate one another, largely agreed with the view the Aliens should be subjugated, denigrated, ranked as second class citizens, or anything that would make earthlings feel better about themselves in diametric opposition.
Earthling politicians, who tend to be forced to sacrifice their ideals to stay in favour with the earthling proletariat, therefore came up with the idea of Alien farms. However, the issue over what the Aliens were actually going to do on these Alien farms remained.
In the end, earthling politicians reached an agreement with, appropriately enough, executives from Mars, Inc. (an earthling confectionery company), that the Aliens would be enslaved to package M&Ms – popular, multicoloured earthling sweeties – and Tic Tacs (once popular, multicoloured earthling sweeties).
~
At first, the earthling slave masters at Mars, Inc. had trouble ensuring the Aliens were productive, and they had to exercise restraint when reprimanding them for their relative inactivity – after all, there were a finite number of Alien slaves (the Alien slaves were not allowed to reproduce), and the Alien slaves were only three inches high, making them vulnerable to physical correction from someone perhaps seventy two inches high (not to mention perhaps forty inches wide).
Fortunately, sooner rather than later the earthling slave masters at Mars, Inc. realised before shift got under way every morning, the luminous pink Alien slaves would automatically form themselves into groups of ten. Once the earthling slave masters had established that this was not an act of sedition, rather a natural habit, productivity started to rise.
Indeed, after a couple of years, production was so efficient, Mars, Inc. had made some enormous cost savings on both lines of earthling sweeties, and started to think of more creative ways to use their little, luminous pink Alien slaves. One was to dress the little, luminous pink Alien slaves up in M&M costumes and film them dancing to earthling music for earthling TV commercials (between thirty earth seconds and one hundred and twenty earth seconds of televised, corporate propaganda).
Slowly but surely the Aliens realised they were in fact becoming a valued part of Mars, Inc. and some of them even started to feel at home!
~
Some of them even started receiving other job offers!
For example:
Quality Sprinkles Ltd tried to recruit 1000 little, pink Aliens to make hand-crafted hundreds and thousands for earthling cake decorations.
Safe Sense were after 100 little, pink Aliens to test the strength and impermeable quality of their new contraceptive wear at their ‘laboratory’ (the Aliens were three inches long, four when they had their arms above their little, pink heads).
Meanwhile, a distant relative of the short lived Sharifian Caliphate attempted to order 10 little, pink Aliens to become part of his entourage.
And so on..
Mars, Inc. of course was having none of it.
~
Nevertheless, Mars, Inc realised the need to do something for their increasingly in demand Alien slave workers, and the little, pink Aliens began to be rewarded with little earth privileges here and there.
Although, many of the rewards received by their ‘workforce’ – the little, pink Aliens were now called referred to as workers rather than slaves as part of a sly public relations manoeuvre – were impractical (Virgin Air Miles; clothes store vouchers etc), the (Alien) workforce at Mars, Inc didn’t seem to mind, and most tried to take advantage of them. Indeed, shoppers in Macy’s reported a group of ten little, pink Aliens carrying around a loyalty card on their collective shoulder, as they marched in the direction of the Children’s Department; while regular flyers with Virgin Atlantic reported several times several groups of ten little, pink Aliens occupying the seat next to them, ordering all manner of duty-free.
The little, pink Aliens were becoming accustomed to life on planet earth, and it was only a matter of time before they started to mimic the behaviours of their earthling hosts.
~
Yes, gentle reader, I am afraid so.
They were changing their colours!!
If we move the story on another five years, the little, pink Aliens resembled their slightly less little earthling hosts in all but the luminescence of their skin, although even this had taken on a rather dull shine.
As their obsessive compulsive nature began to break down, the Aliens started littering and fly-tipping, and at the same time their rigid, and previously thought unchangeable belief in justice, fairness and equality also began to erode as the number of their individual possessions and rewards from Mars, Inc. began to multiply.
When, through the help of an earthling translator, a little, pinkish Alien calling himself Klum was asked in an exclusive interview on the David Letterman show whether he harboured thoughts of one day returning to Korgg, he was translated as saying he would rather stick his little, pinkish head ‘where the sun don’t shine’ (Executives at the aforementioned manufacturer of contraceptive protection, Safe Sense, smiled thinly at the irony).
No, the little, pinkish Aliens wanted to stay. Life on planet earth was so much more fun without the confines of justice, fairness and equality, as well as a neurotic attachment to making the planet a clean and safe place to live.
~
Next time, you are decorating the top of your sister-in-law’s second birthday cake, having safe (but hopefully very enjoyable) sex, thinking of building an entourage or simply eating a bag of M&Ms..
..Spare a thought for our little, pinkish brothers!
For they have become like us.
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