‘Uh, hi. There
was a problem with my account, a transaction made in error.’
‘Name?’
‘Jensen, W.E.
Jensen.’
There was a
pause.
‘Jensen, W.E.
Jensen?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ll put you
right through.’
There was a click
then a gap.
‘Angajan
speaking.’
‘Hello, I hope I have
the right department. There was a transaction made in error…’
‘This isn’t a
department. This is Angajan.’
‘Oh, well, the
right person I mean…’
‘I doubt you can
say, or I can say, whether you have the right person, for it is always entirely
contextual. The entity who can help you may be a department, or a division, or
a person, a subsidiary… you get the picture. Your problem may be solvable by
any one of our constituent bodies, but it appears you have been transferred
directly to me by the clerk, which suggests either you are a very notable user
of our services, there was an error, or, more insidiously, you used fraudulent
means to get through to I, Angajan.’
‘Well… I merely
spoke to the operator, stating my name and issue… if it seems important enough
to come directly to you, that was the decision of the operator, and certainly
not driven by any deception.
‘You acquit
yourself well, in the circumstances. It seems you are an intelligent user of
our services, but I will not be misled by your trickery with words.’
‘I’m not trying
to trick anyone. I would like the error on my account corrected, that is all. Can
you help me?’
‘At this time, it
would be too early say whether any of my actions would help or hinder your
cause. Of course, I could direct a clerk or assistant to correct the imbalance
on your account this minute, in fact, I have a clerk bringing me your details as
we speak, so I will see for myself. However, although this may correct your
immediate complaint, in the long term this may be problematic. It can be very
hard to assess the impact of decisions like this, especially in a complex case
such as yours.’
‘Hold on, this
isn’t a complex case. There was a simple mistake…’
‘Mistake, or
error, as you stated before?’
‘Mistake, error…
What’s the difference? There isn’t…’
‘I hasten to
correct you, please pardon me. You have added another layer to this, as a
decision on whether it was a mistake or an error must be made, and this will
require deliberation by the interested parties, of which there are many.’
‘I don’t see how…
who could all these interested parties be?’
‘Ah, these
decisions are necessarily made in private, behind closed doors as it were,
preventing outside influences from stifling objectivity and having a bearing on
a satisfactory outcome. In fact, I myself am close to having conversed with you
too long to be permitted to take part in this decision-making process, and as
you have petitioned me so carefully, I’d assume that you would want my input on
the ruling on your case?’
‘I suppose that
would be for the best, however, were I to have the opportunity to petition another,
as you put it, I may be able to reach outcome more quickly, at the least, which
again, would be preferable for a busy… official such as yourself.’
‘Oh, you flatter
me and through that show your craftiness once again. The only concession I can
make to you, within the strict parameters of my role in this organisation, is
to transfer your call to the basic account management commission, since I have
now received your details from a clerk and it is clear that the transfer of
your call directly to me was made in error, due to your specific phrasing to
the operator, L., who is inexperienced and did not recognise a coincidence for
what it was, and instead believed you to be of a tier of users of our service
that you are not. I forgive L. for that, but I will direct you now to where
your call should be. As for whether I will involve myself further in your case,
I cannot say.’
‘So who…’
‘Goodbye.’
There was a
click, a hum, and a gap.
Then:
‘Good morning,
Castle and Allied Finances. This is the account transition committee. How can I
be of assistance?’
‘Good morning,
there was an issue with my account, with a transaction made in error, which I
want correcting. But, account transition? I don’t want to change account or
upgrade or anything.’
‘Account
transition refers to any change in an account, not only changes to account
types, but every transfer of funds, names, goods or other parameters. So you
are through to the right place.’
‘Thank you, that’s
very reassuring, especially after the conversation I just had with your
colleague.’
‘The reception
clerk, L.? Yes, L. is a little inexperienced, so I can only apologise if it was
difficult for you…’
‘Oh, no, L. was
fine, but I was just talking to Angajan?’
‘Angajan? Are you
sure? My trace record states that your call came from reception. How did you
come to speak to Angajan?’
‘I used the code
word, not that it did me much good.’
‘From Angajan to
this committee, that is a most unusual step. If you were through to Angajan,
ordinarily you’d have no need to speak to us.’
‘Well, Angajan
supported my cause but he said that the help from your department would be invaluable.’
‘This isn’t a
department, it’s a committee; a common mistake. It sounds like you did well
with Angajan, he is well known for being… aloof and difficult. Now, pardon me,
but what was he like?’
‘Excuse me? He
was, he spoke highly of your committee. Why, aren’t you colleagues?’
‘Well, in the
strictest sense of the word, for we are ultimately both on the Castle and
Allied Finances payroll, although he is most certainly in the direct service of
the Directors, whereas my committee is indirectly paid through our parent
agency… Anyway, he is an inscrutable one, and it was unprofessional of me to
ask about him.’
‘No problem, I
take it he has some high standing in the company, and perhaps I will be able to
tell you more once the problem at hand has been addressed.’
‘Of course.
Please be more specific about the issue with your account, and I will try to
guide you through a satisfactory transition.’
‘The issue is a
transaction that wasn’t supposed to be made, and I’d like it reversed.’
‘This was a
transaction between you and whom?’
‘Me and Standard
Investments, Provisions and Non-provisions.’
‘I see it on your
records.’
‘So? Can you
help? I’ve been on the phone a long time…’
There was a break,
and an intake of breath.
‘You can’t rush
these things, with all due respect. I’ve dealt with Standard Investments,
Provisions and Non-provisions before. They have their own certain kind of
complexity, and we have to be careful not to contravene any of their rules.’
‘Sure, they might
not want the transaction reversed, but can they really stop you?’
‘Your
misunderstanding of your situation continues. The nature of the transaction, which
you have now made clear, transforms the situation. It no longer falls within
the remit of the Account Transition Committee. I will have to transfer your
call to the Misaligned Structures Conference.’
‘Hang on! I need…’
A hissing noise
responded.
‘Hi, this is the
Misaligned Structures Department, how I can I help you?’
‘Department, I
was told I was being passed to the Misaligned Structures Conference, and I believe
these things matter…’
‘Conference,
Department, what difference does it make? Ah, your records have just come
through the tube. Please, for security please state your name.’
‘W.E. Jensen.’
‘Thank you. Now…
Oh! Jensen? You will know my brother!’
‘Your brother?
No, I doubt it, Let’s…’
‘Yes, yes, my brother
Q.R., he is quite fantastic isn’t he? All that success and yet so humble. Do you
know, there was one occasion, you may have heard this story, when he got in the
lift in the lobby of his building and clearly the lift operator was new, for he
failed to recognise my brother and deliver him straight to his floor, so my
brother had to stop at every floor on the way up to the top, picking up and
dropping off, and how the people, all his devoted employees mind, gave him such
unusual looks, but, the big-hearted giant that he is, he just smiled at each
one, and, I say, at the top he gave that lift attendant a most generous tip,
like he hadn’t inconvenienced him at all, in fact, as though it has been the
smoothest service you could hope for! Ah, that says it all about my brother;
you would know of course, he has spoken most fondly of you. I daresay he’d be a
good one to have on your side in a tough situation like this transaction made
in error and all that guff. Anyway, enough about him, you can call him when you’re
finished with me, I will be able to help you with the mal-alignment, let’s not
call it a misalignment just yet, for it pays to keep positive. Now, the detail
I must check with you, not to question the record-keeping on our documentation,
but just to be sure, what is the sum we’re dealing with here?’
‘Seven thousand.’
‘On the nose? Are
you sure?’
‘Uh, yes, it was
seven thousand.’
‘Well, Standard
Investments, Provisions and Non-provisions have it showing as a penny over, and
though that sounds negligible, given the sum, we have to quibble over these
things to adjust your account back into the alignment we all want.’
‘Excellent, so
you will align my account to the tune of seven thousand and a penny?’
‘Oh, certainly
not! That falls way beyond the scope of this department. First, the Misaligned
Structures Conference will have to deliberate, and the Account Transition
Committee will make the, ah, correction, although when Standard are involved,
they may even call upon Angajan… although Lord knows he is very busy, so this
may be delayed somewhat.’
‘I already spoke
to Transition! And to Angajan! They put me through to you!’
A hitch.
‘You spoke to
Angajan?’
‘Yes, right after
the operator!’
‘Angajan…
remarkable, quite remarkable. What… how… what did he say to you? Oh why would I
ask, you won’t want to tell me that!’
‘Well, refunding
or restructuring or transitioning my account for me… may help to persuade me to
tell you about him.’
‘Good Lord, you
are attempting to test my ethics! User, trusted user, you may be, but forgive
me a little outrage. I have been clear that that is not something I can do, and
even if I could…’
‘Please, I didn’t
mean… you got the wrong idea, I think.’
‘Oh no, I read
you loud and clear. I have no choice but to put you in touch with the Irregularities
Council. It is my duty as an employee of Allied Castle Finances to do so, I’m
sorry, but this is protocol. Please hold.’
The caller held;
what else.
‘You are through
to the Irregularities Council. Good day.’
‘Hello, I think
there’s been a slip-up here. There is no irregularity, I was just busy sorting
out a transaction error and was put though to you.’
A pause.
‘I need to
correct you on that.’
‘No, no need,
please, just put my call back to the last division.’
‘Firstly, you
admit to a slip-up in your being here. Secondly, you describe an error. Already,
you present me with two irregularities.’
‘There’s nothing irregular.
This is an ordinary, routine, account error that I need you to correct!’
‘There is nothing
routine about your case.’
‘Look, I already spoke
to Angajan, he understands my case and will vouch for me. Could you just put me
back onto him, or speak to him yourself?’
‘Angajan? He may
be in a tower at Castle, but this, the Irregularities Council, is the
foundation of moral rectitude on which the whole edifice is built. He is of
limited significance.’
‘Oh, I see, it’s
good to know I’m finally talking to someone important. One simple instruction
from you to your staff, and we can finish this call, leaving both us to get on.’
‘Staff? There is
no hierarchy in the Irregularities Council. We work in parallel, not in
sequence. I have your account here now, in fact I have been following it for
some time.’
‘You have?’
‘Indeed. This transaction
you say was made in error was always destined to be made. I can see something
of a litany of irregularities here.’
‘I don’t know
what you mean. I’ve never done anything I shouldn’t have!’
‘Again, I need to
correct you there.’
‘What do you
mean? Tell me what I am supposed to have done wrong!’
‘Wrong implies a
value judgement, which we do not make here. I am merely referring to certain
irregularities in your account, and as you know, these are my chief concern. The
monies paid to Standard Investments, Provisions and Non-provisions are mere
compensation for certain improprieties.’
‘Improprieties?
Like I said, there’s nothing off about my dealings!’
‘It would be
wrong to point to specific events or transactions, and besides, that is
currently confidential information. Your infractions of our terms of service
are more concerned with your bearing and demeanour. These transgressions have
run through our… professional relationship since you joined Allied Castle
Financial. You see, your individualism has been the disputatious topic. This institution
has succeeded for a hundred years, based on collaboration and openness between
Castle and the users of our services. Pursuing your own goals without full
engagement with us and our associates has been a grave failing. You have taken
advantage of our structures, methods and advisory systems without concern for the
dues such services command. This may have been undetected for some time, for
our mechanisms of exposing such contraventions of convention are imperfect, but
now your proverbial birds have come home to roost. While neglecting the good of
this organisation, you were accumulating dues. Thus there was no error; the
correct fee has been levied.’
‘I don’t
understand. I was never billed, or invoiced for anything, I haven’t skipped any
payments or anything like that! You can’t just charge me seven thousand when
you feel like it!’
‘This is the cost
of the non-collaborative manner in which you have used our esteemed services. Please
understand, this organisation is built on an ideal of honesty, candour and cooperation.
Our over-arching purpose requires such an approach. You have behaved contrary
to this aspiration. While individuals are vital components of our organisation,
they are interchangeable fragments of the whole service. And your continual indiscretions
against this ideal were brought to our attention some time ago.’
‘So I have been
fined for not sharing enough!? And what do you mean; they were brought to your
attention?’
‘A fine is the
wrong conception. This is to rebalance your relationship with Castle. We are
grateful to certain interested accessories for the information about your…
attitude.’
‘Who?’
‘These people
vary, some are investors, others are partners, contributors… and, in some
cases, those close to our service users who are capable of recognising the greater
good.’
‘Someone close to
me?’
‘It is true. I can
tell you, since the person concerned has now come under our protection, as a
member of our Academy, which trains our more junior members in proper fiscal
discipline and the ideals of self-sacrifice and truthfulness.’
‘Junior members? You
mean children! Are you saying…’
‘Your son is
thirteen. The perfect age for entering our Academy. He shows great promise.’
‘Where is he? He should...’
‘We all have much
work to do, I am sure. Now I have clarified the situation for you, it is time
for me to go. Good day, W.E. Jensen.’
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